No Matter How Much Ike Wants To

This should be a simple enough conversation, right? I mean, she already knows I’m heading to Europe for the foreseeable future. She’s known that for a while. Just lay it out, everything will work fine. I can’t help but chuckle. Because everything always works out fine when you try to use facts to change emotions. I got this, though. I mean, we’re both smart adults. Well, smart’s debatable on my part in this instance, but still, we’re both adults. We knew this was the situation coming in. We can handle this going out, surely. I realize I’ve stopped in front of the door and been staring at it. Crap. Not a great start. I take a deep breath. In and out. And I push open the door to walk into Amber & Cedar.

I survey the bar before getting too many steps through the door. Sierra is here. Alright. So I likely won’t have as much time to ready myself. But she’s not alone. She’s sitting across from Ter. They seem to be moving rocks on the table. It’s probably whatever game they’re always mentioning playing. If I really wanted to know, I could walk over there and get a better look. But even I’m not dumb enough to interrupt whatever that is. From how they both seem to talk of the games, it’s also when they talk. And you never eavesdrop on Ter, assuming you want to keep your ears. Okay. So I might be able to ready myself after all. I just need to not be noticed. I slip over to the bar and with a smile, nod at Fred. He comes over with a furrowed brow. “Just the usual?” he asks.

“I’m boring like that,” I joke.

Fred shoots a look over at Sierra and Ter’s table. “We both know that isn’t true,” he says. I mean, he clearly knows the basics of our whole deal. And doesn’t disapprove, which is a tad strange, but hey, to each their own. He heads back over to the liquor shelf to make my gimlet. I look around subtly. Alright. It should be easy. I just tell the truth, right. I give a crap, but we can’t afford to continue going like this. And she knows all this already. Just remain calm, don’t get too drunk, don’t act foolish, focus, and everything will be fine.

As Fred hands me my gimlet, I look around once more. Unfortunately, this time I accidentally make eye contact with Ter. I would be upset at myself for looking around, but the way I caught her eye, she definitely already saw me. She holds my gaze for a moment, then looks back at Sierra. “We’ll finish this match next time,” she says, loud enough for me to hear.

Sierra cocks her head. She says something I can’t quite hear, though I can certainly guess. It’s probably something like ‘Why? What’s happening? But I was about to win.’ Or maybe, ‘Thank goodness, I need some time to figure out how to get out of this one.’ I don’t know, I’m not sure how whatever game they’re playing is actually going.

Ter stands up and pulls out a phone. “I suspect you’ll be busy in the near future,” she says, once again loud enough for me to hear. Why? Is it for me, or for Sierra? It can’t be for me. She doesn’t need to tell me why she’s stopping her game. Maybe she’s trying to tell Sierra that whatever’s stopping her is already here? Or maybe she just wants me to get lost in my own head. Whatever she wants, after snapping a picture of that board, she puts her phone away. Sierra seems to say something else. I enjoy my drink, not even trying to eavesdrop. Too much noise. Unless someone wants to be heard from across the bar, the cacophony drowns out most of the noise.

Ter begins to leave, walking right past me. Still drinking, I give her a polite nod. “Ter,” I say.

Ter pauses her walk, looks through me, and replies, “Be ruthless.” Like often happens around the kid, I’m confused. This time for what may well be the most common source of my confusion: I thought a certain way about Ter, and she did something counter that thought. The pair of them clearly have been enjoying each other’s company playing whatever game they play. I made the mistake of thinking that meant she cared about Sierra. Clearly, she doesn’t. No, that’s too reductive. She probably just has a very different idea of friendship and caring. I finish off my drink to avoid thinking about whatever is going on in Ter’s brain. In general, I’ve found that not thinking about some questions can be better than actually figuring out the answers. I turn back to the bar as Ter exits the building.

Fred notices my empty glass. “Another?” he asks.

I sigh and nod. “Yeah,” I answer. He begins to make the relatively simple drink.

I check my phone. Ali’s texted me. I’m not particularly surprised. I open up the message. ‘Done it yet?’ Of course. I should never talk to people about my personal life. It just makes things weird.

‘Shut up,’ I shoot a quick, meaningless reply. She’ll know that means no. And, in all likelihood, she’ll also not shut up. At least, not until he replies yes. Fred puts my new gimlet in front of me. I smile. “Thanks,” I tell the bartender. Taking a moment to breathe and collect myself, I take a sip. I let the flavor wash over me as I prepare myself. I’ve got this. I may be a sexy beast, but I can also be a calm, rational beast. I mean, why else would Ali have come to me with her ideas for the future. Time to pull out the one-of-the-future-masters-of-all-reality mind. Or something close to that. Taking another sip and letting the flavor once again fill my mouth and mind, I let my smile fall away into a Ter-face, and turn to walk over to Sierra’s table. Instead, I see that she’s both noticed me and started her own approach.

“Ike,” she says as she sits down and nods to Fred. Fred starts to make her another drink.

I try to smile cordially. I can’t help myself. It’s a bit more honest than I’d’ve liked it to be. “Sierra. We need to talk,” I try to keep it even. It’s a lot of work.

“I know,” she says. Best I can tell, she seems to be doing her best Ter impression as well. Good. As long as we both do this calmly and rationally, everything will work out fine.

I take another sip. “We both know I’m going to be headed to Europe for the foreseeable future, right?” I try my best to keep my voice flat, to keep only a cordial smile on my face. I’m not looking at a mirror, but I think I’m pulling it off.

“Yes.” Her voice is still even, too. “And I’m guessing you need to focus.”

She’s right. Of course she’s right. She’s brilliant. No, I scold my brain. I’m staying calm. I’m staying unemotional about it. “Yeah. I’m concerned that if this keeps on happening until I leave, I will hate a great portion of my time in Europe doing what I love.” To keep myself from getting too upset about it, I think I’ve started to sound like a robot. But, whatever it makes me do, keeping it even is necessary. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings here, and I don’t want to chicken out either.

She sighs, drinks, and nods. “I think I understand,” she replies. Because she gets me. She knows how I… no. Bad brain. We’re thinking future thoughts.

“Thanks,” I say. I take another drink. “I’ve got to say, I was a little concerned about this, coming in here today.”

She chuckles. “A little?” she said, amused, “You’re smarter than that. You interrupted Therese’s evil scheming time.”

I can’t help but laugh. “Don’t be ridiculous. I sat my ass right here and waited patiently for her to be ready to leave on her own. I wasn’t about to get anywhere near your weird whatever the hell games you two play.” I take another drink.

“I knew you could be smart,” she says through her own chuckle. She takes a sip, then adds, “I mean, I suspected. There were definitely some doubts in there at times.”

I feign offense. “What, when? Was it the nachos?”

She smiles wide. “That was definitely ONE of the times.”

“Oh, so you now got jokes,” I shoot back. I shake my head and put my empty glass on the bar. Fred gives me a look and I nod.

She takes a drink, smiling. “Sometimes,” she replies, “Though technically that was just one joke.”

“I don’t know. You also said I was smart,” I joke back with a smile. Fred gives me my new drink.

She feigned offense this time. “Hey, hey, no no no. I never said you were smart. I said you could be. Just like Therese could be human, or Fred could be sober.”

Fred laughs at that one. Rude. Handing Sierra another drink as well, he adds quietly, “Spoiler alert, I’m probably not.”

“Yeah, I got that Fred,” I say with a smile. “Besides, Ter’s definitely human. Robots should be too logical to hold grudges like she does.”

“It’s not holding a grudge when you keep on doing things to irritate her,” Sierra replies. She’s right, of course, but I do it in a fun, charming way. That’s why she grumpily tolerates me rather than evil-mastermind-ishly plots my demise.

“What makes you think I was talking about me?” I counter with a grin.

She chuckles, drinks, and cocks her head. “Same statement may or may not apply to me, too,” she answers with a grin. I laugh at that, taking another drink.

The conversation lasts well into the evening. I don’t know why, but it’s relaxing chatting with Sierra, now that there’s nothing more to it than enjoying each other’s conversation and making fun of each other’s habits. I’m not sure why, but it’s almost more relaxing than when we were involved. Maybe without the pressure of what comes after the conversation, I don’t have to think as much during the conversation. Right? Well, it doesn’t matter. Whatever the reason, I found it immensely enjoyable. Like everything was in the right place. Eventually, our drinking tabs start to get a bit higher than we feel entirely comfortable with, so we close out. I walk her across town, across the river, and back to her apartment. We keep on chatting away in the cold. And it’s freezing cold. Standing outside of her place, she invites me inside. “Come on in. Just to warm yourself up, maybe a nightcap, then you can head back to campus,” she says.

I know better. Not that she doesn’t mean it. I can tell she does. But there’s something else. I know myself. And I suspect I know how she feels, too. And knowing both of us, a nightcap will turn into a couple. And a couple nightcaps will turn into breakfast in no time at all. I stare at the door for a moment. I want to go in. I want to warm up, have a nightcap, and then head back to campus. It sounds like a fantastic way to end an already entertaining evening. But I can tell how much I want to. And it’s not good. I sigh. “I think I’m warm enough,” I lie. From the look on her face, I can tell two things. She can tell I’m lying. And she’s feeling a sort of way about me mustering the courage to not come in. Probably roughly the same way I’m feeling. Proud, glad, and depressed, all at the same time. She heads inside. I watch her go the entire way. It is a lovely and heartbreaking sight. I can’t help how I think. But I don’t move to follow. Then, shivering, I turn and walk slowly back to campus. Hoping I don’t freeze to death on the way back.